I still think about my baby.  I talked to him briefly last night, he had to be sleep early for football practice at 5 in the morning, so we didn't converse long.  And its funny because we I was saying bye, it sounded like he said "I Love You".  But I didn't say anything because I thought I was trippin'!!  I'm suck a dork!!  I'm counting down until the day that I go see him.

I hope that he doesn't mind me surprising him.  I was wondering if I should even go that route, or if I should just tell him I'm coming.  I guess I will figure that out sooner or later.  I miss him soooo much, and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him.  But if its not meant to be, I know I can deal with it.  It would suck, because I've never been in love before, and the "L" word is a curse word, and for me to say it to someone is almost up there with miracles...like the virgin mary!!

I really do love that kid.  And I pray for him all the time,because I want him to be so happy.  That night when I saw him, I told him about how I wanted to make him happy, and then he said, "I want to make you happier.."  Hahaha, it sounds corny, but I SWEAR he could have asked for a puppy and I would have been at PetsMart at 1 o'clock a.m. looking for that boy a puppy!

There is just so much I want him to have and see and do.  If he wanted the moon, dag-nab-it, I'd be on some kind of mission trying to get it for him.  Only God can measure the feelings and emotions that I contain for him.  I have never felt so passionate about anything before. 

I just pray that this is real and just for me.

Then on top of that, I know that the Lord is NOT pleased with me.  I've been going off on people and just being bad.  And that's not me.  Whatever this is I have to ask God to get off of me, because its only wearing me down.  Like this morning, I skipped class...and that is NOT good.  I just refused to get up.  So I just went back to sleep.

Okay, just to fill you guys in, I was planning on taking a trip to see him within the next couple of weeks.  I was so excited (and still am), that I bought new clothes and everything.  To be honest, my intentions of going to see him were rather carnal and things of that particular nature.  But anyways...lately, even before he came to visit me, I have been thinking about my life and the things I've done, and to be honest, I have been feeling melancholy about EVERYTHING, except him. 

I'm sure and absolutely POSITIVE that I love this young man.  Now the tricky thing is, I'm not sure if he loves me.  And that doesn't matter to me, because I know that I'm just not some random run-of-the-mill girl to him.  I just don't know how deep his feelings are for me.  Even still not knowing that is okay, because I'm ready to except whatever his feelings are.

Anyway, back to this trip, the deal is I don't know if I trust myself to be around him and not have "sexual relations" as our dear friend Mr. Bill Clinton has said.  I care so much for him, that I want to anything in my power to make him happy, and I know that there are other things that I do that make him happy, but sex is something that we both want...BUT...here's the tricky part, I was talking to one of my close Christian friends about this Christian Sorority. 

I am very interested in it, and I am very sure that I am going to join, I am just wondering that is I join, will it change anything between us.  If it does, then I know that his intentions were not pure, and knowing that wouold break my heart just a little...I mean, who would want to find out that after 4 years of a HECK of a lot of EMOTION and TEARS that the person that they care about is only in it for those "sexual relations", I mean really...I'm a pretty tough female, but that would be the start of my demise.  And after him, there will be no one else for a long time.

I guess that is what I am afraid of right now.  To find out that this was all a lie.  Even though something tells me that he is for real about this, I still have doubts...I can't help it, that's just my nature.  I was afraid to say "I love you", and I was afraid to let him touch me. Now that we've gotten pass all of that, I've come across another fear (lucky me).  I guess everybody has their fears and all, I think me having fears keeps me on my toes.

So that is my situation.  All in a nut shell.  I'm going to do some serious praying for this one.  I want to be right with God before I jump into this sorority, and I know that I REALLY want to...you know...but...yeah...giggle giggle, but I think if he cares he'll understand and stick by me through it all the way. 

Its really funny because I was thinking about him when I was riding in the car with my roommate and on the back of a jeep was one of those decals that had his last name on it. (Okay, his last name is the name of a school..lol...but it was a sign DARNIT!) Its funny because I see his name on a lot of things whenever I'm out, and I hope its just not my mind playing tricks on me.  I hope this is genuine and pure, and I pray that God is in this relationship and nothing or no one else.  That is the only way that this will last or become anything worth having.  Lord your guidance and strength is needed dearly.

Well guys and gals if anything changes, I will keep you posted. 

Love Live Life

Well, tune in regularly...you never know what can happen next.

LaTeRz