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All About Me and My Days See My Pic at http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/kward85@sbcglobal.net
AIM: BabyGyrl0353398 (I know...its long, but its worth it!!!) School: University of Texas-Arlington Major: Social Work Favorite Color: Blue Sex: Female...duh DOB: 03/20/85
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Sunday, September 14, 2003
Hi everyone...
I'm still sick. And to top it all off, I'm a tad bit upset with my "baby". Okay let me explain...
I talked to my friend Kris that goes to school with my "baby", and I was telling her how I was having doubts about being with him and about coming to his school for a surprise visit. I'm afraid that I'll show up and he'll be like "What the f@#$!" and I swear I will kick in the nuts, and then drive back home. I love him so much, but I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this. He is too far away and he doesn't communicate enough with me. I mean, its not like I want him to talk to me everyday for 3 hours straight, I would be so darn happy with just a text message, but I don't even get that.
The killer part is, he calls Kris on her cell phone and leaves her a MESSAGE!!! Okay, he doesn't even call me back when he says he will. Then he has NEVER left me a message!! I mean NEVER!!! I'm not mad that he called her, because they have been friends for about 7 years. I'm mad because he took the time to call her AND leave her a message, but he can't even call me!!! I was like, WTF??? That upset me to the fullest. I felt so small, like he didn't even think about me. Last night I was so upset, I wanted to just throw it all away. It just seems like a losing battle, like I'm giving and losing all at the same freakin' time.
This is what I thought I wanted, and I DO want this, but I didn't think it would be so hard.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
-ColdPlay, "The Scientist"
ColdPlay could not have said it any better.
This road that "J" ("my baby"), and I are on seems so darn familiar. The only things that make this different is the fact that I said the "L" word and we are in college and 3 FREAKIN' hours away from each other.
Other than that, this is the same. I love him too much, and maybe thats the problem. I love him too much. Maybe I need to rethink this...
But then again, I know I love him, I know I want him...
Then I question is this all worth it. The tears and pain, the lonely feeling when I call and he's too busy to talk.
I think it would be so worth it, if I felt that he was in this as deep as I am.
Maybe I am just in too deep.
I am only 18, BUT I am old enough to know what I want.
The problem is dealing with the times when I want something that doesn't want me.
What do I do then?
What if thats the case here?
DAMN!
Love is so complicated, and guys make it even worse.
I used to want to know what love felt like, and now that I know, I'm not sure if I want it anymore.
Maybe I just need to chill out with this, but that is hard to do when your heart is on the line and you've been hurt before, especially by the same person.
It's funny how the people you love the most seem to hurt the most.
Its funny how we keep going into this circle.
I want to know the flat out truth.
Why are so afraid of it?
Why are people so afraid to hurt me?
Wny don't they realize that the more of the truth that they hold back, the more it will hurt later once I figure out that it was all a lie?
Why am I even concerned?
Two months ago, I would not have cared...
Why do I care now?
But I don't mind loving the way that I do, I just want to know that its not all in vain.
I want to know that I can count on him during storms and rain.
I want to know that he'll help ease my fears and pains.
I want to know so much.
Because I do love him so much.
I do care, and I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him
This is so obscure, and I never realized how much love could hurt. Posted at 11:07 pm by Starsky03
Friday, September 12, 2003
I'm Sick and feeling just a lil' icky!
Hola all.
I am sick from head to toe, and all I want to do is sleep, but I'm not sleepy, leaving me to just sit here. So I figured I'd write to my public. Its raining again today and I feel so....blah! There is a party tonight, but I might not go.
I actually had a lot of things planned today, but when you feel like the weather, nothing seems worth going to, ya know?
I think I will just curl up in my bed, in my pajamas, and watch so tv. I'll probably watch some movies or something...something very comical, of course. I have to laugh or I'll just sit here looking blank as ever.
I'm still missing my baaaby. I'm getting all of my funds together so I can see him and get him a gift. I swear I want to spoil that boy every chance that I get. I don't even have a job, but I am going to find a way. Because I love him that much.
If he were here now, you could bet that I would forget completely that I am sick. I just want to feel him touching me, holding me, keeping my warm. Ohh la laa!
Anyways guys and gals, I think I want to catch a nap before dinner, so if something happens or if I get bored later, I'll write.
Bye Bye Now :-)
Posted at 05:12 pm by Starsky03
There is MOST DEFINITELY a boyfriend in your future.Never one to miss a chance to meet a guy, you're always "on" and it pays off. At the grocery store, the video store, wherever…you're constantly on the lookout for the next victim.
Not that you treat men like shit. Far from it! It's just that you love 'em so much, it's hard to limit yourself to just one.
Like M&M's, except your men usually melt in your mouth. AND your hands. Mmmm!
Is There A Boyfriend In Your Future?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaPosted at 04:59 pm by Starsky03
Feeling under the weather....
Hello all.
I would be cheery, BUT, I'm feeling kinda...not good right now. I had a horrible mood swing today. I went off on this guy, it was for a good reason, well, I thought so at the time, but, you know how that is.
I kind of feel bad about it now, but not bad enough to apologize...I have PRIDE and a whole bunch of it...not a sickening amount, but enough to make me not say sorry.
I still think about my baby. I talked to him briefly last night, he had to be sleep early for football practice at 5 in the morning, so we didn't converse long. And its funny because we I was saying bye, it sounded like he said "I Love You". But I didn't say anything because I thought I was trippin'!! I'm suck a dork!! I'm counting down until the day that I go see him.
I hope that he doesn't mind me surprising him. I was wondering if I should even go that route, or if I should just tell him I'm coming. I guess I will figure that out sooner or later. I miss him soooo much, and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. But if its not meant to be, I know I can deal with it. It would suck, because I've never been in love before, and the "L" word is a curse word, and for me to say it to someone is almost up there with miracles...like the virgin mary!!
I really do love that kid. And I pray for him all the time,because I want him to be so happy. That night when I saw him, I told him about how I wanted to make him happy, and then he said, "I want to make you happier.." Hahaha, it sounds corny, but I SWEAR he could have asked for a puppy and I would have been at PetsMart at 1 o'clock a.m. looking for that boy a puppy!
There is just so much I want him to have and see and do. If he wanted the moon, dag-nab-it, I'd be on some kind of mission trying to get it for him. Only God can measure the feelings and emotions that I contain for him. I have never felt so passionate about anything before.
I just pray that this is real and just for me.
Then on top of that, I know that the Lord is NOT pleased with me. I've been going off on people and just being bad. And that's not me. Whatever this is I have to ask God to get off of me, because its only wearing me down. Like this morning, I skipped class...and that is NOT good. I just refused to get up. So I just went back to sleep.
I can't do that anymore, not saying that it won't happen again, I just need to get motivated again. I need to be beyond this childish nonsense. I need to know what will come of my relationship with my baaaaby!!!
I know regardless if we stay together for forever or for only another week, that I will still love him and that we will never lose touch with each other.
Lord, please guide me and send the spirit of acceptance into my life, so I can be ready for whatever it is you send my way.
Well you guys, I have class in the morning.
Tune in next time...
Laterz
PS. For those of you that are confused, don't be. Yes, I am a Christian, and I believe in the Lord, but I am struggling. No one said it would be easy, and I'm not perfect and never claimed to be. Hopefully someone will learn from me and my mistakes and my situations. This is all real, no fabrications here. One Love
Posted at 12:06 am by Starsky03
Monday, September 08, 2003
Confused...what else is new?!?!
Well guys and gals,
Days and nights have gone by, and yes, I have talked to my sweetie...giggle giggle, but now something has come up.
Okay, just to fill you guys in, I was planning on taking a trip to see him within the next couple of weeks. I was so excited (and still am), that I bought new clothes and everything. To be honest, my intentions of going to see him were rather carnal and things of that particular nature. But anyways...lately, even before he came to visit me, I have been thinking about my life and the things I've done, and to be honest, I have been feeling melancholy about EVERYTHING, except him.
I'm sure and absolutely POSITIVE that I love this young man. Now the tricky thing is, I'm not sure if he loves me. And that doesn't matter to me, because I know that I'm just not some random run-of-the-mill girl to him. I just don't know how deep his feelings are for me. Even still not knowing that is okay, because I'm ready to except whatever his feelings are.
Anyway, back to this trip, the deal is I don't know if I trust myself to be around him and not have "sexual relations" as our dear friend Mr. Bill Clinton has said. I care so much for him, that I want to anything in my power to make him happy, and I know that there are other things that I do that make him happy, but sex is something that we both want...BUT...here's the tricky part, I was talking to one of my close Christian friends about this Christian Sorority.
I am very interested in it, and I am very sure that I am going to join, I am just wondering that is I join, will it change anything between us. If it does, then I know that his intentions were not pure, and knowing that wouold break my heart just a little...I mean, who would want to find out that after 4 years of a HECK of a lot of EMOTION and TEARS that the person that they care about is only in it for those "sexual relations", I mean really...I'm a pretty tough female, but that would be the start of my demise. And after him, there will be no one else for a long time.
I guess that is what I am afraid of right now. To find out that this was all a lie. Even though something tells me that he is for real about this, I still have doubts...I can't help it, that's just my nature. I was afraid to say "I love you", and I was afraid to let him touch me. Now that we've gotten pass all of that, I've come across another fear (lucky me). I guess everybody has their fears and all, I think me having fears keeps me on my toes.
So that is my situation. All in a nut shell. I'm going to do some serious praying for this one. I want to be right with God before I jump into this sorority, and I know that I REALLY want to...you know...but...yeah...giggle giggle, but I think if he cares he'll understand and stick by me through it all the way.
Its really funny because I was thinking about him when I was riding in the car with my roommate and on the back of a jeep was one of those decals that had his last name on it. (Okay, his last name is the name of a school..lol...but it was a sign DARNIT!) Its funny because I see his name on a lot of things whenever I'm out, and I hope its just not my mind playing tricks on me. I hope this is genuine and pure, and I pray that God is in this relationship and nothing or no one else. That is the only way that this will last or become anything worth having. Lord your guidance and strength is needed dearly.
Well guys and gals if anything changes, I will keep you posted.
Love Live Life
Posted at 04:28 pm by Starsky03
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
The LOVE of my Life...meow
Well guys and gals...here is something juicy for the public. This happened about 2 days ago, but I wasn't a member then, so I'm writing it now...for my public...giggle giggle!
ANYWAYZ....note to reader, this is NOT for the squeamish!
Well, all through highschool, I was with this boy, off and on...you know how that goes...anywayz...he was my first...of course...and since day one, I knew that he was going to be a big part of my life...and yes, I was right!
We had an emotional rollercoaster going on (thanks goes to Vivian Green for the song!!!) Anyway, we were young, and still are, and at the time nobody was thinking about settling down, I mean SERIOUSLY, I didn't even think I wanted to get married (and my final decision on that is still in fact pending) and children for now is a big no-no, I'm only a freshman in college and so is he, but he knows he wants to be married and have kids. I'm not sure on that, and my reason for that is because I've been through so much, that I couldn't take the consequences of being in love and attached to someone. I despise emotion, but after being with this young man, my mind is starting to change.
NOW WAIT!!! I know what you're thinking, he must have put something on me in order for me to change my mind! Well you are mistaken, I'm not all of a sudden wanting to have his babies and some other CRAP like that. Come on now, lets be for real. I just really enjoy his company. So getting back to my story...
I stay in a dorm and a nice "wholesome" school in TX. And my "friend" came into town from his school for the Labor Day holiday weekend. I hadn't seen him since MAY...(that was my fault, I kind of told him that I didn't want to talk to him again, and my pride got in the way of a lot of things...etc.) so I was so happy to hear that he was in town.
He called and wanted to come visit me, and I of course said yes, and I jokingly said he could spend the night, (not thinking that he would actually be able to) but he actually came prepared to spend the night with me, HOW COOL IS THAT?? (now I know there is someone out there thinking, "why would she let him come over if she told him she didn't want to talk to him again??") Well my dear friend, I missed him like CRAZY! I thought about him constantly and I prayed for him all the time. I thought that we were over a long time ago, but something inside wouldn't let me let go of him.
So anyway, he comes all the way out here to see me...giggle giggle. I felt so darn special that I felt like a little girl in the third grade getting a valentine from her crush. Whooo hooo, now thats special!
It was so cute, because he brought an overnight bag and everything. We watched a lil' television, but he couldn't concentrate...why you ask?? NONE OF YOUR DARN BUSINESS!!! Seriously, he cut off my tv and told me how much he missed me...hehehe. And he held me so darn tight. I felt safe with him, and no guy has ever made me feel that way. No ONE!
On the inside, I was just MELTING! And I started just telling him how I felt. (Most of which he already knew, but some stuff he didn't...like I said, I despise EMOTION, so for me to tell him how I feel, it was like a MILESTONE, I should have taken a freaking picture, because no one else has gotten that type of treatment from me. And the only other person that will get that, will be my husband, if I get married).
Then I told him...drum roll please...I LOVE YOU...
That right there took my breath away. I couldn't believe that I actually said that!! Well, I actually whispered it into his ear...regardless, I still said it. And he hugged me sooooo tight. I know the skeptics are thinking..."why didn't he say it back?" Well for one...he is a GUY, and not many of them can just say stuff like that! And two, he is just like me and he doesn't know how to express that and/or he is afraid to.
Deep down, I didn't care if he said it. I was just happy that I got that off of my chest, and maybe I have inspired him to do the same.
God, I love that kid so much!! Even if we don't stay together forever, I still want to be in his life. I would be happy as long as he was. Even if he gets married and has a million of little babies...hehehe, I would even babysit for him if he needed me too...okay, yes, that was an exaggeration! But you know how I feel.
It sucks that he is 3 hours away, and I don't have a car, and he is so darn busy...my baby plays football!
The thing is, I am soooooo extremely scared!!! SERIOUSLY! I'm afraid that since I have told him how I felt, that something will happen and I'll end up getting hurt.
I'm trying to let it sink in that regardless, this is all a lesson and a test. So if this does end, I can use this lesson and all of the memories to better my next relationship...honestly, I don't want anyone else but him, so my next relationship will be FAR FAR FAR down the road...there is a possiblity that after this, I may not ever get with anyone else!! This guy had broken the mold, no one can take his place or fill his shoes...it just CAN'T be done!
I want to make him happy, in every way possible. Darn darn darn, I'm so in love, but I'm so darn cynical. What will I do?? How will this all unfold???
Tune in next time for another episode of "The Life of Starsky".
Posted at 01:12 am by Starsky03
Hola!!!
I am the infamous StArSkY! Well, I figured I couldn't just start writing stuff without letting the whole world know something about me...so...um...here goes:
I'm 18 years of age. And I'm in the big TX. I'm not from here though...I'm originally from Chicago.
I'm very fun loving, goofy, and nice, but like everyone else in the world I go through things. So this will be my way of releasing what I go through!!!!
Please don't be alarmed, not everything in here will be bad, I actually have something kewl to write about every now and then.
So that's my intro...that didn't hurt so bad after all...giggle giggle.
Well, tune in regularly...you never know what can happen next.
LaTeRz
Posted at 01:02 am by Starsky03
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