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All About Me and My Days See My Pic at http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/kward85@sbcglobal.net
AIM: BabyGyrl0353398 (I know...its long, but its worth it!!!) School: University of Texas-Arlington Major: Social Work Favorite Color: Blue Sex: Female...duh DOB: 03/20/85
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Monday, September 15, 2003
Feeling Just a Tad Blah...
Hi guys and gals
I'm sick still and I'm not liking it. I'm still rather upset, but I seem to be more confused than anything.
My friend Kris texted me today and told me that J called her and left yet ANOTHER message on her phone. I wanted to curse, but now I'm calm. I don't care about him calling her anymore, I figure if he wanted to talk to me, then he would have. Point blank, no questions asked.
On top of that, I'm confused about the Christian Sorority that I am planning to join. Deep down in my heart I know I need to be there, and that creativlely, I would fit in, but I don't feel worthy enough. I feel like I'm failing everyone right now. I know that God is not pleased with me, and further more, I'm not even pleased with myself.
So now I'm trying to assess all of the things I've done...
And I'm wondering am I bending to far for people or am I just highly influenced by others? Well, I don't think I am highly influenced, because I've never done anything that I didn't want to...my mom even knows and understands that. She even knows better than that.
I just don't know where I'm going wrong. So now I'm wondering if J should even be apart of my life right now? Is he what is holding me back? Or is my LOVE for him holding me back? Maybe God wants us to be together, but just not right now, you know? Maybe God is telling me the right answers, but I'm not listening. I don't know anymore. I do know that this BLOG thing is very theraputic...
I have a lot of friends and people that I hold close to me, and whenever they have a problem, I'm always there to counsel and console them, but when I need someone to talk to it seems that no one is listening.
Maybe God is just setting me apart so I can talk to Him, because I have prayed, but I haven't really said what I really needed to say. I'm not as focused as I once was, and I can't put my finger on why. I just need a sign...not just any old sign, I need like a miracle sign, something that is a rarity...
Because I'm tired of thinking that certain things are signs and then they turn out to be the total opposite of what I thought they were. So I need something so amazing, that if I told just anybody about it, that their mouths would drop, and even pastors would call it a miracle. I know it seems like I'm asking for much, but I need something that is in plain sight, nothing obscure, no "reading between the lines".
I know that this will come, but I pray that I can accept what comes with all of this that I am asking for. And I pray that I can accept the changes that are going to come, because I can feel something is going to happen, but I don't know when.
I never realized how much of a struggle this would be, but it probably only seems hard, because I seem to make things that way...I'm so darn difficult!!!!
Well guys, I'll probably be writing again tonight...
So much is on my mind, but I need to clean up, I need a fresh look on EVERYTHING right now. I refuse to be depressed and down right now...I can't be down.
Love you all, and I hope someone receives something from my ramblings...
God Bless us ALL
Posted at 07:46 pm by Starsky03
About Your Kissing Style:
You'll only kiss if the mood is right and if you think you are falling in love.
Some may say you're old fashioned, but when you kiss, you see stars!
One kiss from you, and anyone will be hooked forever.
What Your Kissing Style Says About You:
You're no prude, but if you're going to get sexual, it needs to mean something.
You prefer to take things slow, because it only makes them better in the long run.
You're much more likely to find yourself engaged than in some stranger's bed.
Your Personal Kissing Matches and Mismatches:
You and another Romantic Kisser is just pure bliss. You both enjoy the finer aspects of seduction and have the preference of taking things slow. It's practially love at first site. You'll also find yourself attracted to Juicy Kissers. The way a Juicy Kisser locks eyes with you and draws you in is almost cosmic...
Manic Kissers are to be avoided at all costs. These kissers love to kiss everyone and can never commit to one person. Next! Carnal Kissers aren't your style either. They'll push you for sex way too soon... and get very upset when they don't get their way.
How Do *You* Kiss?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaPosted at 07:25 pm by Starsky03
Posted at 01:11 am by Starsky03
Only 1% of the population is like me
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INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Calm and pleasant face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 1% of the total population. |
Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality TestPosted at 01:04 am by Starsky03
Posted at 12:57 am by Starsky03
Posted at 12:38 am by Starsky03
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Hi everyone...
I'm still sick. And to top it all off, I'm a tad bit upset with my "baby". Okay let me explain...
I talked to my friend Kris that goes to school with my "baby", and I was telling her how I was having doubts about being with him and about coming to his school for a surprise visit. I'm afraid that I'll show up and he'll be like "What the f@#$!" and I swear I will kick in the nuts, and then drive back home. I love him so much, but I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this. He is too far away and he doesn't communicate enough with me. I mean, its not like I want him to talk to me everyday for 3 hours straight, I would be so darn happy with just a text message, but I don't even get that.
The killer part is, he calls Kris on her cell phone and leaves her a MESSAGE!!! Okay, he doesn't even call me back when he says he will. Then he has NEVER left me a message!! I mean NEVER!!! I'm not mad that he called her, because they have been friends for about 7 years. I'm mad because he took the time to call her AND leave her a message, but he can't even call me!!! I was like, WTF??? That upset me to the fullest. I felt so small, like he didn't even think about me. Last night I was so upset, I wanted to just throw it all away. It just seems like a losing battle, like I'm giving and losing all at the same freakin' time.
This is what I thought I wanted, and I DO want this, but I didn't think it would be so hard.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
-ColdPlay, "The Scientist"
ColdPlay could not have said it any better.
This road that "J" ("my baby"), and I are on seems so darn familiar. The only things that make this different is the fact that I said the "L" word and we are in college and 3 FREAKIN' hours away from each other.
Other than that, this is the same. I love him too much, and maybe thats the problem. I love him too much. Maybe I need to rethink this...
But then again, I know I love him, I know I want him...
Then I question is this all worth it. The tears and pain, the lonely feeling when I call and he's too busy to talk.
I think it would be so worth it, if I felt that he was in this as deep as I am.
Maybe I am just in too deep.
I am only 18, BUT I am old enough to know what I want.
The problem is dealing with the times when I want something that doesn't want me.
What do I do then?
What if thats the case here?
DAMN!
Love is so complicated, and guys make it even worse.
I used to want to know what love felt like, and now that I know, I'm not sure if I want it anymore.
Maybe I just need to chill out with this, but that is hard to do when your heart is on the line and you've been hurt before, especially by the same person.
It's funny how the people you love the most seem to hurt the most.
Its funny how we keep going into this circle.
I want to know the flat out truth.
Why are so afraid of it?
Why are people so afraid to hurt me?
Wny don't they realize that the more of the truth that they hold back, the more it will hurt later once I figure out that it was all a lie?
Why am I even concerned?
Two months ago, I would not have cared...
Why do I care now?
But I don't mind loving the way that I do, I just want to know that its not all in vain.
I want to know that I can count on him during storms and rain.
I want to know that he'll help ease my fears and pains.
I want to know so much.
Because I do love him so much.
I do care, and I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him
This is so obscure, and I never realized how much love could hurt. Posted at 11:07 pm by Starsky03
Friday, September 12, 2003
I'm Sick and feeling just a lil' icky!
Hola all.
I am sick from head to toe, and all I want to do is sleep, but I'm not sleepy, leaving me to just sit here. So I figured I'd write to my public. Its raining again today and I feel so....blah! There is a party tonight, but I might not go.
I actually had a lot of things planned today, but when you feel like the weather, nothing seems worth going to, ya know?
I think I will just curl up in my bed, in my pajamas, and watch so tv. I'll probably watch some movies or something...something very comical, of course. I have to laugh or I'll just sit here looking blank as ever.
I'm still missing my baaaby. I'm getting all of my funds together so I can see him and get him a gift. I swear I want to spoil that boy every chance that I get. I don't even have a job, but I am going to find a way. Because I love him that much.
If he were here now, you could bet that I would forget completely that I am sick. I just want to feel him touching me, holding me, keeping my warm. Ohh la laa!
Anyways guys and gals, I think I want to catch a nap before dinner, so if something happens or if I get bored later, I'll write.
Bye Bye Now :-)
Posted at 05:12 pm by Starsky03
There is MOST DEFINITELY a boyfriend in your future.Never one to miss a chance to meet a guy, you're always "on" and it pays off. At the grocery store, the video store, wherever…you're constantly on the lookout for the next victim.
Not that you treat men like shit. Far from it! It's just that you love 'em so much, it's hard to limit yourself to just one.
Like M&M's, except your men usually melt in your mouth. AND your hands. Mmmm!
Is There A Boyfriend In Your Future?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaPosted at 04:59 pm by Starsky03
Feeling under the weather....
Hello all.
I would be cheery, BUT, I'm feeling kinda...not good right now. I had a horrible mood swing today. I went off on this guy, it was for a good reason, well, I thought so at the time, but, you know how that is.
I kind of feel bad about it now, but not bad enough to apologize...I have PRIDE and a whole bunch of it...not a sickening amount, but enough to make me not say sorry.
I still think about my baby. I talked to him briefly last night, he had to be sleep early for football practice at 5 in the morning, so we didn't converse long. And its funny because we I was saying bye, it sounded like he said "I Love You". But I didn't say anything because I thought I was trippin'!! I'm suck a dork!! I'm counting down until the day that I go see him.
I hope that he doesn't mind me surprising him. I was wondering if I should even go that route, or if I should just tell him I'm coming. I guess I will figure that out sooner or later. I miss him soooo much, and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. But if its not meant to be, I know I can deal with it. It would suck, because I've never been in love before, and the "L" word is a curse word, and for me to say it to someone is almost up there with miracles...like the virgin mary!!
I really do love that kid. And I pray for him all the time,because I want him to be so happy. That night when I saw him, I told him about how I wanted to make him happy, and then he said, "I want to make you happier.." Hahaha, it sounds corny, but I SWEAR he could have asked for a puppy and I would have been at PetsMart at 1 o'clock a.m. looking for that boy a puppy!
There is just so much I want him to have and see and do. If he wanted the moon, dag-nab-it, I'd be on some kind of mission trying to get it for him. Only God can measure the feelings and emotions that I contain for him. I have never felt so passionate about anything before.
I just pray that this is real and just for me.
Then on top of that, I know that the Lord is NOT pleased with me. I've been going off on people and just being bad. And that's not me. Whatever this is I have to ask God to get off of me, because its only wearing me down. Like this morning, I skipped class...and that is NOT good. I just refused to get up. So I just went back to sleep.
I can't do that anymore, not saying that it won't happen again, I just need to get motivated again. I need to be beyond this childish nonsense. I need to know what will come of my relationship with my baaaaby!!!
I know regardless if we stay together for forever or for only another week, that I will still love him and that we will never lose touch with each other.
Lord, please guide me and send the spirit of acceptance into my life, so I can be ready for whatever it is you send my way.
Well you guys, I have class in the morning.
Tune in next time...
Laterz
PS. For those of you that are confused, don't be. Yes, I am a Christian, and I believe in the Lord, but I am struggling. No one said it would be easy, and I'm not perfect and never claimed to be. Hopefully someone will learn from me and my mistakes and my situations. This is all real, no fabrications here. One Love
Posted at 12:06 am by Starsky03
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