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All About Me and My Days See My Pic at http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/kward85@sbcglobal.net
AIM: BabyGyrl0353398 (I know...its long, but its worth it!!!) School: University of Texas-Arlington Major: Social Work Favorite Color: Blue Sex: Female...duh DOB: 03/20/85
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Monday, September 29, 2003
The sun is finally shining on me...
Hello all!!!
I know it has been a while. Not much has happened since I left you last. My baby J is coming into town this weekend. Hooray for me! We are getting closer everyday. He confides in me now. He would tell me somethings before, but now he will talk to me about everything. It makes me feels so good knowing that he is comfortable. I know it took 4 freakin' years, but I am happy anyway. Better now than never.
I played Mud VolleyBall last Friday. Let us just say that I won't be so quick to do that again. I got stuck in the mud everytime. It was pretty gross. And to make things crazier, all of the sorority girls thought it would be "cute" to mud wrestle. YUCK!! By the end of the day, I was tired. Mud takes alot out of you.
Later on that same night, I ended up taking care of stubborn drunk people. Grrrr!!! That is a very draining job to have. Especially when the people you have to watch decide to run away from you, when you try to tell them that they have had enough to drink. It was funny though. I still had fun.
Saturday I spent my time studying for my quiz and my history midterm. I am praying that I do well. I hate getting bad grades. So I am trying to stay focused. Besides, if I know I did good on my tests, then I can allow myself to have fun this weekend.
In no so good news...my stepfather got my cell phone bill and was upset. So it may be off for a minute. Oh well. I am just enjoying being happy.
The sun came into my room this morning and it just seemed different. I feel good. I am BLESSED in more ways than one.
God has been so good to me. I am always smiling now. That is such a good thing.
I guess I will go ahead and study now. If anything happens, I will be sure to write.
Love Peace God Bless
Posted at 02:04 pm by Starsky03
Sunday, September 21, 2003
Hola guys and gals...
I know its be a while since I wrote last but things have been kind of crazy.
I ended up not going out of town, my mom was P.O.'d, but she will have to get over it. I went to my Homecoming. It sucked horribly. All of the people that I graduated with are still fake, except for the ones I am really cool with...like J and Kris. Other than that it was bad. They lost and there was nothing but little immature kids EVERYWHERE! There were even some parents there acting a FOOL, but I won't even go there.
When I got there I was with my good friend Brit and her boyfriend M.J. That kind of sucked because I was the odd ball, but I pretty much used to it now. I was really waiting for Kris to get to the game, but she was LATE of course. And when she got there, her guy Q was trying to "kool-aide" with me like we were bestfriends or something...like nothing happened! So I told he we weren't cool and I told him why and he did that stupid apology crap, like I'm supposed to change my mind just because he think he cute....NOT!!
I didn't stay on that subject long because I did want to enjoy myself. I was cute that night anyway, so I didn't want to look upset or anything.
The more I sat there, the more I realized that I could have stayed at my dorm and had more fun...but I realized that I still hadn't seen my baby, J. So I looked around for him, without being too obvious. I wanted to call his cell, but I figured that he was probably with his friends, because he hadn't seen any of them since we graduted. So I figured I'd just "run into him".
Kris got tired of being in the stands, and Q was gtting restless too, so Kris asked me to go with them, and I did.
I missed her so much. She's like my lil' sister and I always try my best to take care of her. I wanted to spend time with her, but her b/f was being a jerk. He kept trying to pull her away from me so we couldn't talk. Mind you, he has seen her twice she has been gone and I haven't seen her since the 2nd week of August. You do the math!
While we were walking around I saw my BABY!! He was looking so cute! I gave him a hug and we talked for a minute. He had just gotten to the game close to the end of the third quarter and he hadn't seen any of his friends yet. So I told him that I had a gift for him back at the car, and he hugged me again and said he would see me later.
I was sooooo happy to see him....but back to this jerk Q...
So it was pissing him off that he didn't have her all to himself. He is such a big baby when the spotlight is NOT on him. And he secretly hates it when she talks to me about things, regardless what they are about. He wants her to run to him everytime she feels like talking. But whenever she does, he asks like he doesn't care, so she ends up coming to me crying and asking for advice on how to deal with him.
So he got so mad, that he threatened to leave her and he almost did...she had on stiletto heals, that she is not fully comfortable walking in and she had to catch up to him. WHAT A LOSER!
She later called me on the verge of tears and told me that she was upset and that he was ignoring her. That made me mad b/c he is always doing something like that to her, but then when she starts crying he pulls that "baby I love you...whooo whooo whooo" crap...and yes, she goes back everytime. (If thats love then I don't want it!)
So after that I meet back up with Brit and her b/f and we walk back to the car. I realized that I needed to call my baby so he could get his gift and everything, so I called him, told him to meet me in the parking lot. He said he was on his way.
I don't know why, but I felt like CRAP! I did not have a good time at all. And while I was waiting on him, I just kept thinking in my head that I should have stayed at home.
Then, from far away, I noticed him walking with one of his friends toward the car. I got out, called his name and him and his friend came over.
He told me how nice I looked, but he noticed that I was upset. He seemed so concerned, but I didn't want to talk about it then, so we just left that subject alone. He hugged me so tight. For a minute, I forgot where I was and that his friend was near us.
He started kissing me on my neck and I was in HEAVEN!!!
I wasn't even expecting it, but he gave me a kiss.
It may not seem like much, but it was the way he kissed me, that sent me wanting to take him home with me (not in the "lets roll around in the bed together" way, but in the "I want to be alone and next to you" way)
He held me so tight. And another thing that surprised me was the fact that he kissed me in front of his friend!!
See, in school, he wasn't that affectionate towards me around his friends. He would hug me and talk to me, sometimes walk me, but kiss me...that blew me away.
He reassured me with that kiss. In my mind, the doubts I did have slowly disappeared. All I could say was "WOW"!
I gave him the gift...he couldn't see what it was because it was wrapped up in a gift bag, but even still, his face lit up. I could see how happy he was in his eyes. And that made me happy.
I wanted to hang out with him, but I understood that we would have more opportunities, but he may not see some of his friends for a while, so I was okay with him hanging out with them. I needed to go home and study anyway.
So we said our goodbyes and he told me he would call me.
I went home happy until I went to one of my friends rooms, only to find one of them drunk and talking crazy. So in heels, I had to carry her back to my room, along with the help of others, and keep her there, because she was talking about commiting suicide. That really sucked, but I was still happy. I was definately shaken up from the things she said, but I quickly got into mother mode and I tried to help her in the best way I could.
WHAT A NIGHT!!
Then the next day, which was last night...well, it was actually at around 12:30 am this morning. I was working on my english paper when my phone rings. I wasn't expecting anybody, but I answered anyway. And OMG, guess who it was....YES...it was J!!!
He sounded so sleepy. I was so caught off guard. I asked him was he okay, because he has never called me that late before. He told me that he had just woke up out if his sleep and decided to call me. I was taken aback by that.
He thanked me for the gift and he said he liked the bear because it smelled like me. I told him about my dream...I don't know if I put it in here already, but here it goes...
I had a dream that J showed up at my dorm with all of his bags. And saying that things didn't work out for him at his other school, so he was transfering here!!!!
I was sooo excited. That was the night before I went out to get his gift. He was surprised about my dream, but he sounded like it seemed like something that could possibly happen...but who knows, I don't want to just expect anything to happen,so I'm just playing it cool and taking this thing slow.
When we talked on the phone he kept saying that he didn't know what woke him up or what made him call me...he just woke up and grabbed the phone and called ME!
I was...I don't even know a word for it. He sounded so tired and I knew he had to wake up early in the morning to go back to his campus, so I told him that he needed to go back to sleep. I told him to have a safe trip back and to be good. He sleepily said he would and I told him goodnight.
When I hung up the phone, I was just filled with so much emotion that I began to get that feeling, the one u feel right before you cry. My heart started beating fast, and I didn't know what was going on. Tears started to fill my eyes, but I didn't wanted to start crying because I didn't think that I would stop.
But the thing is, I want to know why I all of a sudden felt like that. I have never felt like that before. NEVER. I was just...gone. I got up and I started pacing the floor and then I felt weak so I sat back down. I was so gone. I have no idea what that all means. But I'm going to still play it cool, so I don't read these feelings wrong and end up with a broken heart. Even though I highly doubt that, I still want to stay on my toes, ya know?
I'm so happy and not just about him, but about everything. I finished my english paper, and I'm getting ready to study on my math. I can't say that everything is going perfect, but I am holding on. Thank God!
I'm looking forward to the future.
Well, I have to study, so be good, there will be more...as always!
Love Peace and God Bless
Posted at 03:16 pm by Starsky03
Friday, September 19, 2003
My Mom doesn't understand...
Why is it that the people that are close to you are the ones that are least likely to be understanding??
I have a paper due Moday, as well as a quiz, and on Tuesday I have a College Algebra test...and I am soooo confused in that class.
What am I supposed to do?
And to make things worse, my mom wants me to go to this stupid ceremony. Granted, its a ceremony for me, for a scholarship that I am receiving, but I keep telling her to go in my place. But she doesn't want to go in my place!! What kind of crap is that?? The people ahead of the ceremony already said that it was okay that I didn't come. So now my question is: WHAT'S THE BIG FREAKIN' DEAL?!?!?
Why can't she understand that I have school related things that I need to do?? She's being such a "B" about the situation. I love her dearly, but she is so darn bull-headed that its ridiculous, and something has got to give, or someone will get hurt. Seriously! She can't just snatch me out of school because she's to chicken to except my award...I mean really, I could have sworn that she was grown...right??
Is she trying to see me flunk out of my first year of college?? Then if I did flunk, then she'd be down my throat wondering what the heck happened...I can't take this. Earlier this week, she told me that she would need me to babysit...BABYSIT!!!! I have no kids, and she can't keep counting on me, and expecting me to be understanding when she isn't...I have bent over backwards for her and the family...I spent most of my high school career babysiting my siblings when I could have been out having a life, but I wanted to help out. Then her and my stepfather start taking advantage...like saying that they would be out for "a couple of hours" and then not coming back until the next day, while I'm stuck at home with a toddler and an infant...neither of which I birthed!!! Now this is just getting out of control.
Am I being unresonable???
I don't think so, but maybe I am...
I just can't believe how childish she is acting...I swear if it isn't one thing, its another...I just have to count it all joy, I guess. I'm still in the mind-set of not going, I haven't packed anything, and I'm going to call her AGAIN, because I'm tired of her avoiding me whenever we talk about something. She is being such a...darn, there isn't a word for it.
Other than that, I talked to J today, and I told him the whole story on the Q thing, and he was upset, but he let it go...my baby is pretty easy going, so he didn't flip. Thank God. I told him about how crappy my week has been, and he was so into what I was saying. That made me so happy.
Today, I went shopping and got some new clothes and a new pair of shoes for Homecoming. And I got J a gift...just for laughs, I got him a shirt with my school's name on it , and it says Alumni (lol)...(its funny because he is always saying that his school is better than mine because they have a football team and we don't! We just go back and forth about our school's all the time). Then I got him a Teddy Bear that says somebody at UTA loves you...giggle giggle. I also got him a card. I still have one more thing to get him, which is a Ninja Turtle poster...when he was a kid, he LOVED the Ninja Turtles, so I wanted to get him the poster. I hope he likes it.
When he was talking about coming to Homecoming, he sounded so excited, and he kept telling me to make sure that I came to Homecoming, because I wasn't sure if I was going or not. So I AM going, and my outfit is sooooo darn cute! I'm wearing HEELS!!! Now that is serious...because I'm such a tomboy, but he is the only one I'll dress up for. The ONLY ONE!!! Besides, I have got to turn some heads...in high school I only dressed up like 5 times, so this wil definately be something for the people to see. And I will definatelylet all of my public know about my day!!
The only bad thing about tomorrow will be that Q and I haven't talked about the crap that happened earlier this week, and I want to hang with my good friend Kris, but not if she is with him. I refuse to act phony around him, just to save face. I freakin' refuse. And if Kris won't check him, and tell him when he is wrong, then I will. So he had better not come to me with nonsense. Because I will straight but him back in his place (awww shoots, I had my first GHETTO moment on my blog!!! hahaha). But seriously though, I am not the one for garbage stuff like that, and he needs to know, so I'm going to tell him. Because he did just straight disrespect J and acted like he knew him...he knows absolutely NOTHING about J, and he should never even pretend too. Q knows if it was him in that situation, that he would be pissed and ready to STAB somebody! So he just needs to be careful about what he says and what he THINKS he knows. I'm cool about it now, because I know how Q can be, but that gives him no excuse. He is still my brother in Christ, but as his sister I have to correct him. And its not because it has to do with J, I would do the same thing if it were about anybody, but it hurts more since it has to do with J, because Q knows how I feel about J. He even encouraged our relationship, he was so happy for me, but then to turn around on some dumb crap, and say bad things about him...oh thats just a serious No-No.
It will get handled though. In the most positive way, I promise. No blood will get shed, it will be so freakin' peaceful. Besides, I'm going to be dressed up, so I am not going to clown! LoL
Well guys and gals, I need to be writing my freakin' paper...Lord, please help me.
Good nite all...stay blessed.
Posted at 12:32 am by Starsky03
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Posted at 10:48 pm by Starsky03
Los Ojos...or something like that
Your Hottest Body Part is Your Eyes!Jeepers creepers, where'd you get those peepers?
Your eyes definitely have IT.
You bat those eyes at any man, and he comes running.
Making eyes at men you crave is your specialty.
You can even cry prettily with tears in the right places.
And you love to keep your eyes open during sex, not missing a single thing.
Celebs who work their eyes as hard as you do include: Mandy Moore, Jennifer Garner, Heather Locklear, and of course, Heather Graham.
Want to play up your eyes even more?
First of all, make sure they're visible - by keeping your hair away from your face and by wearing subtle makeup everywhere but your eyes!
Invest in an eyelash curler, a good brow job, and some quality mascara.
What's Your Hottest Body Part??
More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaPosted at 10:43 pm by Starsky03
You'll Fall in Love With A Virgo!Your conservative approach to love and sex goes well with a Virgo.
Virgo's are perfect and pretty - and live their lives in an orderly fashion.
You will never go crazy when you're around a Virgo.
You're a traditional type who prefers monogamy and missionary position.
You love sex to be normal and clean - no sweat or excess fluids.
You don't want anything too kinky - just two bodies pressed together.
Your Virgo is graceful and sexy in the purest sense.
While it may take your Virgo a while to fall for you....
Once he / she does, you'll see nothing but pure romance.
What Sign Should Your Lover Be?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaPosted at 10:12 pm by Starsky03
Sex and Love Conincide for me...
Your Bedroom Personality Is Romantic!For you, sex is an act of love.
What this means:
You wait the longest of all types to have sex.
You've got to be sure that you're in love...
And that your lover is devoted to you.
What your lovers love about you:
You make sex meaningful, passionate, and emotional.
You are caring and gentle throughout the whole act.
And once you have sex, you're likely to stick around for a while.
What your lovers can't stand about you:
For you sex and love are so entertwined...
That good sex can make you too attached.
And bad sex can make you feel unloved.
What's *Your* Bedroom Personality?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaPosted at 10:01 pm by Starsky03
You are as far from freaky as it gets... well, except...
You've got a dying curiousity to be a little more flavorful than vanilla.
After all, you did take this quiz :-)
Maybe you're a virgin. Maybe you have already decided what you like.
But if you aren't boring yourself, you're certainly boring your lover.
The last time you tried something new in the bedroom, well, Britney was still a virgin.
Advice? Start slowly, experimenting with your self.
Find your g-spot. Try some ass play.
See what you like, and then tell your partner all about it.
What's Your Freak Factor?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaPosted at 09:55 pm by Starsky03
Don't forget about the little things...
"...Its the little things...its the little things, and the joy they bring..."
-India. Arie "Little Things"
Hello all...
Life is just a smidge better than yesterday...well, not a smidge better, but just brighter all the way around.I just got back from the interest meeting for the Christian Sorority/Fraternity that I mentioned before. I really feel like I belong there, despite my stupid wrong-doings. The people are so nice and they are just like me. I felt kind of bad because of the things that happened this weekend...like drinking (I am underage), I didn't get drunk and lose my panties anywhere, I just had a few drinks. That's all. But once I sat down and met the people, I realized that that was what I have always prayed for. I have always wanted a to have a group of Christian friends that I could relate to, (not the uppity "I think I am better than you" type). I think I have found my place, but I have to make sure that this is exactly for me. I just want to be happy. And I think this will help alot.
This morning I had a 8 o'clock College Algebra class that I skipped. I am still sick and my body was tired from all of the crying I did the night before. So I happily stayed in bed. Then I got up to go to my Political Science class. I was running a little bit late, but still on time. I got there and I kept feeling like we were going to get a POP QUIZ!!! OH LORD!! And yes, we got one. And guess what...I ACED it!! I hadn't read the chapter or anything...can you believe it!?!?! I surely can't. I was in AWEW and freakin' AMAZEMENT!! There was definately a "HIGHER POWER" on my side. Dang, I'm BLESSED!! So I felt really good, until I was brought back into the realization that I was in fact still sick. And the next thing you know, I'm hacking my brains out! (Coughing) I started getting hot and I was disturbing everyone that was attempting to pay attention to the lecture. I could hardly pay attention, I was getting ready to just walk out of class, but I needed to take the notes...I hate getting other peoples notes because they don't do theirs like mine. So I spent most of the class hacking like an IDIOT! But I couldn't be too upset, cuz I got m first freakin' A in college!!! (I need to throw a party!)
Anyways, so my good friend Naya and I go get something to eat and then we head back to my place. We watched a little tv and then she had to leave...she had another class to attend...I on the other hand was done for the day. So I was sitting at my computer, just surfing the web, when I get a phone call. This was at around 1236 pm, so I'm thinking its my mom or something, but I was decieved...it was...DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....dun dun dun dun dun dun...my BABY J!!!!
I was so darn happy, I was grinning so HARD!! (But we won't tell him that...shhhh) So yea, he told me he was thinking about me, he said that he was thinking about me so hard that he had to call me from right where he was, which happened to be his MATH CLASS!! I was in such shock...he called me in the middle of his math class, I felt all special. We talked about my constant absence in my very own math class, he warned me about that and then we talked about school. Not too much later were we interupted by his math teacher's sudden urge to pass out papers, starting with the back of the class...which was where my baby was sitting...of course.
I was happy to hear from him. His phone call and everything else made today a really beautiful day. Not just because he called, but because everything went so smoothly.
And guess what...dun dun dun...it can only get better. Tomorrow has so much promise. I believe I can get better. Take the good with the bad, seek motivation to be able to withstand the bad times, and then you can face anything. God is good. He has placed so many good people in my life...I just hope I am one of those good people for someone else.
Tomorrow will be AWESOME! I can feel it. Even if I get bad news or something, I'm getting stronger, and I can handle it...even if it does mean crying...(OMG!!! What am I saying??? hahaha)
Seriously though, everything will be alright. And soon enough, I will find out what true happiness is really like.
Be Good ALL. Live life to the fullest.
And don't be afraid to cry.
Posted at 09:34 pm by Starsky03
Cry a little, die a little and pretend that you're feeling a little more pain...
Well how about that???
I have just spent most of my night crying, yeah, I said it, CRYING!!!
I'm such a boy trapped in a girls body, b/c I freakin' hate emotion and I hate expressing emotion...
To me, its a sign of weakness...my friends tell me that crying is therapeutic, I'd rather get a tatoo or piercing, or go for a jog or something to release my feelings, hell, I'd even write a 5 page poem on the subject before I cry...
I guess I was just that pissed off that I could do nothing else but cry.
Here's the scoop...
Well, as you all know, my baby called AND left a message on her phone, THEN he did that same crap again today...well Kris told her overly jealous b/f which is my play-brother, a/b J calling her, and he got all extra pissed. So Kris and Q had a fight and what does Q do??? He calls me all pissed off about it. He basically told me of me and Kris didn't handle it, that he would!!! WTF!!!!???? I was like, "Man, you over-reacting", b/c even though I was mad that Kris got a message and I didn't, I wasn't threatening people and crap. I mean DAMN!! So he continued to tell me that Kris was not being truthful with me and that I was being NAIVE about J...
That ish PISSED me off...I HATE being called naive, I even pride myself on not being naive...
He told me that J has been basically trying to get with...meaning have sex with...Kris. My heart broke, I swear you could hear it just crush right then and there. My voice got to cracking and I was done for. So I asked was he sure and he said yes.
I was in shock. Kris would never lie or hold the truth from me, she knows I appreciate the honest truth, even if it hurts. So I call her and she is still upset at Q, and she could tell that I was upset. So I told her, and she explained to me the Q was lieing.
She feels like he doesn't trust her, and that he is trying to control her by not wanting guys to call her cell phone. So she is pissed off and she is rethinking their WHOLE relationship.
This whole situation is just crazy...me and Kris just ended up sobbing on the phone with each other; not sure of what to say to the other.
As we speak, her and Q are STILL on the phone, hopefully they come to an understanding b/c I know how much they love each other. And how they want to spend the rest of their lives together.
Even if J and I don't work out, I hope they do...I think Q just has issuses within himself that he needs to work out...b/c him not trusting her is a BIG thing. And its effecting everybody, including ME!!
I'm still not super-confident about J and I...I am never super-confident about anything, I just try to tough it out as much as possible to see what happens.
I still need to talk to him, b/c I want to know whats on his mind. And he needs to know whats on mine...I guess.
Kris told me that they talked about a week ago about how he wanted to leave "D-Town" (the place he lived before going off to college), behind and be apart of the "College Life"...and that's cool, but Kris and I both wonder if he meant that he doesn't want to go back there, or if he was leaving EVERYTHING behind, including ME!?!?!
That would suck, but I am prepared to move on, he knows how I feel, I have said my piece, DAMN, I even said the FREAKIN' "L" word!!! Hahaha
I meant it, I still feel the same, but I don't want to pressure him. I want him to be happy. I want him focused. I want the best for him.
I guess I do love him too much.
Love hurts, but it feels good to say how I feel. To be able to say that I am sooo in love with someone that I can accept whatever decisions that he decides to make.
I am soooo in love that it doesn't even matter if he doesn't say it back, b/c I am just happy knowing that he knows.
I am sooo in love.
Sooo in love.
In LOVE!
God this night has been crazy, and I know that things can get better and they can very well get worse. I'm just happy that all the people close to me know my real true feelings.
No regrets.
No need to look back.
I can look forward, towards the sun.
The light hurts, but its soo damn beautiful.
Tomorrow will be great.
Posted at 12:54 am by Starsky03
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