Hi guys and gals

I'm sick still and I'm not liking it.  I'm still rather upset, but I seem to be more confused than anything.

My friend Kris texted me today and told me that J called her and left yet ANOTHER message on her phone. I wanted to curse, but now I'm calm.  I don't care about him calling her anymore, I figure if he wanted to talk to me, then he would have.  Point blank, no questions asked.

On top of that, I'm confused about the Christian Sorority that I am planning to join.  Deep down in my heart I know I need to be there, and that creativlely, I would fit in, but I don't feel worthy enough.  I feel like I'm failing everyone right now.  I know that God is not pleased with me, and further more, I'm not even pleased with myself. 

So now I'm trying to assess all of the things I've done...
And I'm wondering am I bending to far for people or am I just highly influenced by others?  Well, I don't think I am highly influenced, because I've never done anything that I didn't want to...my mom even knows and understands that.  She even knows better than that.

I just don't know where I'm going wrong.  So now I'm wondering if J should even be apart of my life right now?  Is he what is holding me back?  Or is my LOVE for him holding me back?  Maybe God wants us to be together, but just not right now, you know?  Maybe God is telling me the right answers, but I'm not listening.  I don't know anymore.  I do know that this BLOG thing is very theraputic...

I have a lot of friends and people that I hold close to me, and whenever they have a problem, I'm always there to counsel and console them, but when I need someone to talk to it seems that no one is listening.

Maybe God is just setting me apart so I can talk to Him, because I have prayed, but I haven't really said what I really needed to say.  I'm not as focused as I once was, and I can't put my finger on why.  I just need a sign...not just any old sign, I need like a miracle sign, something that is a rarity...

Because I'm tired of thinking that certain things are signs and then they turn out to be the total opposite of what I thought they were.  So I need something so amazing, that if I told just anybody about it, that their mouths would drop, and even pastors would call it a miracle.  I know it seems like I'm asking for much, but I need something that is in plain sight, nothing obscure, no "reading between the lines".

I know that this will come, but I pray that I can accept what comes with all of this that I am asking for.  And I pray that I can accept the changes that are going to come, because I can feel something is going to happen, but I don't know when.

I never realized how much of a struggle this would be, but it probably only seems hard, because I seem to make things that way...I'm so darn difficult!!!!

Well guys, I'll probably be writing again tonight...

So much is on my mind, but I need to clean up, I need a fresh look on EVERYTHING right now.  I refuse to be depressed and down right now...I can't be down.