I have just spent most of my night crying, yeah, I said it, CRYING!!!
I'm such a boy trapped in a girls body, b/c I freakin' hate emotion and I hate expressing emotion...
To me, its a sign of weakness...my friends tell me that crying is therapeutic, I'd rather get a tatoo or piercing, or go for a jog or something to release my feelings, hell, I'd even write a 5 page poem on the subject before I cry...
I guess I was just that pissed off that I could do nothing else but cry.
Here's the scoop...
Well, as you all know, my baby called AND left a message on her phone, THEN he did that same crap again today...well Kris told her overly jealous b/f which is my play-brother, a/b J calling her, and he got all extra pissed. So Kris and Q had a fight and what does Q do??? He calls me all pissed off about it. He basically told me of me and Kris didn't handle it, that he would!!! WTF!!!!???? I was like, "Man, you over-reacting", b/c even though I was mad that Kris got a message and I didn't, I wasn't threatening people and crap. I mean DAMN!! So he continued to tell me that Kris was not being truthful with me and that I was being NAIVE about J...
That ish PISSED me off...I HATE being called naive, I even pride myself on not being naive...
He told me that J has been basically trying to get with...meaning have sex with...Kris. My heart broke, I swear you could hear it just crush right then and there. My voice got to cracking and I was done for. So I asked was he sure and he said yes.
I was in shock. Kris would never lie or hold the truth from me, she knows I appreciate the honest truth, even if it hurts. So I call her and she is still upset at Q, and she could tell that I was upset. So I told her, and she explained to me the Q was lieing.
She feels like he doesn't trust her, and that he is trying to control her by not wanting guys to call her cell phone. So she is pissed off and she is rethinking their WHOLE relationship.
This whole situation is just crazy...me and Kris just ended up sobbing on the phone with each other; not sure of what to say to the other.
As we speak, her and Q are STILL on the phone, hopefully they come to an understanding b/c I know how much they love each other. And how they want to spend the rest of their lives together.
Even if J and I don't work out, I hope they do...I think Q just has issuses within himself that he needs to work out...b/c him not trusting her is a BIG thing. And its effecting everybody, including ME!!
I'm still not super-confident about J and I...I am never super-confident about anything, I just try to tough it out as much as possible to see what happens.
I still need to talk to him, b/c I want to know whats on his mind. And he needs to know whats on mine...I guess.
Kris told me that they talked about a week ago about how he wanted to leave "D-Town" (the place he lived before going off to college), behind and be apart of the "College Life"...and that's cool, but Kris and I both wonder if he meant that he doesn't want to go back there, or if he was leaving EVERYTHING behind, including ME!?!?!
That would suck, but I am prepared to move on, he knows how I feel, I have said my piece, DAMN, I even said the FREAKIN' "L" word!!! Hahaha
I meant it, I still feel the same, but I don't want to pressure him. I want him to be happy. I want him focused. I want the best for him.
I guess I do love him too much.
Love hurts, but it feels good to say how I feel. To be able to say that I am sooo in love with someone that I can accept whatever decisions that he decides to make.
I am soooo in love that it doesn't even matter if he doesn't say it back, b/c I am just happy knowing that he knows.
I am sooo in love.
Sooo in love.
In LOVE!
God this night has been crazy, and I know that things can get better and they can very well get worse. I'm just happy that all the people close to me know my real true feelings.
No regrets.
No need to look back.
I can look forward, towards the sun.
The light hurts, but its soo damn beautiful.
Tomorrow will be great.
